The "Attack" of a Helping Hand

Why Giving Advice Doesn't Work.

Not long ago, I met a colleague I hadn’t seen for over 2 years. As we caught up, she shared what had been happening in her life and some challenges she was facing. Almost instinctively, I jumped in with advice. As a mentor—and the wife of a consultant—giving advice feels like second nature to me, as it does for most people. But her reaction stopped me in my tracks.

She smiled and said, "That was an attack of a helping hand."

I loved this phrase because it perfectly captures what unwanted advice often feels like—an attack. It made me reflect on why we are so quick to offer solutions, why people resist them, and how we can support others in a way that actually helps.

Why We Love Giving Advice

Advice-giving is deeply ingrained in human nature. It makes us feel competent, knowledgeable, and helpful. But beyond that, studies show that offering advice can be about something more: control and power. Research has found that people who frequently give advice often have a higher desire for influence. When we offer solutions, we position ourselves as the expert, the problem-solver—the one who knows better.

On top of that, giving advice feels good. It activates the reward centres in our brains, reinforcing the idea that we are doing something valuable. But what we often fail to recognize is that the other person may not want solutions. They want understanding, support, or simply a space to express themselves.

Why People Resist Advice

If giving advice makes us feel good, why do people resist it so much? The answer lies in the psychology of autonomy and control.

1. People want to stay in control of their own lives. Research shows that most people don’t actually want advice unless they specifically ask for it. When advice is imposed, it can feel like a power struggle, making the receiver defensive. Responses like, “Yeah, that wouldn’t work for me,” or “Well, the reason I do it this way is…” are the ways of pushing back.

2. Advice is often misaligned with the real problem. Michael Bungay Stanier, in his TEDx talk “How to Tame Your Advice Monster,” explains that we often believe we already know the solution. But in reality, we’re solving the wrong problem. The first challenge a person shares is rarely the actual challenge they need help with.

3. Advice can be disempowering. When we jump in with solutions, we unintentionally send a message: You can’t figure this out on your own. Instead of empowering, advice-giving can make the other person feel less capable.

How to Give Advice That Actually Helps

So, what should we do instead? The solution lies in a simple formula:

Asking Questions + Asking Permission + Giving Advice = Empowering Support

Let’s break it down:

1. Asking Questions: Get Curious Before Giving Advice

Instead of jumping in with a solution, Bungay Stanier suggests three key questions to guide the conversation:

• What’s the real challenge here for you? → This helps uncover the core issue.

• And what else? → This keeps the conversation open and prevents premature solutions.

• What do you want? → This shifts the focus to the other person’s needs and autonomy.

2. Ask for Permission Before Offering Advice

If you feel the urge to give advice, first ask if they want it. Here are a few ways to do it (from Grin Lord “Twenty Ways To Give Advice With Empathy”):

• Would it be okay if I share an idea?

• I have a thought that might help—do you want to hear it?

• You’ve probably already thought of this. I can add some ideas if you’re interested.

By doing this, you respect the other person’s autonomy and increase the chances that your advice will be well received.

3. Give Advice (Only If Invited!)

Once permission is granted, offer advice in a way that keeps the focus on their situation and choices. Instead of saying, Here’s what you should do, try

• How would you feel about trying…

• Some people made this…what do you think?

This shift makes the advice feel like a suggestion rather than a directive order.

The Takeaway: Replace Advice-Giving with Curiosity

Of course, there are times when advice is necessary. In professional mentorship, parenting, or emergency situations, guidance is expected. However, even in those cases, asking for permission and ensuring the person feels heard first significantly increases receptivity.

So, the next time you feel the urge to offer advice, pause. Listen. Ask a question instead. You might be surprised at how much more effective you become. When we do this, we stop "attacking" with a helping hand and start truly supporting others in the way they need.

The last word: A little reminder from Dale Carnegie

In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie shares 30 principles on how to build strong relationships and positively impact others. Want to know what’s NOT on the list? ‘Give people brilliant advice.’ There’s probably a reason for that?!